I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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