i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
