did you get engaged???
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
