The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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