Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
