You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
