I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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