remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
