So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
