Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
