sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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