i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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