yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
