I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
