eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We are two peas in an std pod
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
