I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
