youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
