i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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