In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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