Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
