oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
