i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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