fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
