When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
