oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
