Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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