Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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