i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
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