fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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