Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
