Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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