Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
