I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
