Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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