She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
