Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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