he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
