Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
