Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We had sex on a dog bed..
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
