a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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