I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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