Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm both gender and math confused
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
