i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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