I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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