I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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