What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
