Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
