okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
