I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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