Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
