I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
