the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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